Dougie poWers: the 'Fly Who shagged Me

The scene: a hotel somewhere. Somewhere with a big staircase and a pool with lots of synchronized swimmers who can pick up a beat quickly. In the honeymoon suite, Dougie Powers and his new wife, Miss Rushton, had just finished shagging. Well, maybe not quite finished, but time for a quick break anyway. He picked up the remote, pausing the DVD of some pornstar called Danny J right in the middle of having his face sprayed.

“Was it good for you too?” He asked. No reply. Oh well, some people just got tired out by sex with him. Stevie had lasted six rounds. He looked over at her – her hand was frozen mid-way through picking her nose.

“Statues eh babe? Kinky.” He played along for a few minutes, sticking a finger where the sun don’t shine, but got bored and hit play on the remote.

“Oh Dougie, you were wonderful,” Stevie suddenly enthused.

“I am rather.” It got to a slow bit of the porn, with only three guys around Danny, so he fast forwarded.

“O ys Ilvdwe yuddeu teaswt yo hg tev ic fcpl yusu yu.”

“You what babe?” He asked, pressing play.

“I said I loved it when you did me with your huge twelve ihupeosdo.” Rewind?

“Uy usuy ci vet gh twsaet uedduy ewdvlI sy o!”

Suddenly, Stevie’s face fell off, exposing cold grey steel. A moment of realization.

“Stevie! You’re a dudebot!”

“Yes! Your wedding present from Doctor Juvil!”

A whirring chainsaw appeared from Stevie’s crotch.

“Oh… how didn’t I notice that before?”

“Maybe you could let ME be the top for once.”

Dougie ducked behind the sofa as Stevie started thrusting towards him, the chainsaw throwing up cushion stuffing. He scampered backwards, clutching the remote until he was sitting pressed against the wall. Terrified he started pressing random buttons. The dudebot’s head started spinning around and suddenly the chainsaw fired out from its crotch, sinking into the floor just below Dougie’s crown jewels. Maybe eject was a bad idea. He pressed the off button.

“Goodbye, Dougie Powers.” It said, sticking its little finger up its nose, before exploding in a shower of custard and edible ball bearings.

Slowly, Dougie, got up, looking like a custard tart gone wrong.

“Stevie… I can’t believe the girl who taught me about monogamy and love was a dudebot…” He whispered. “Wait a minute… I’m single! Yeah baby!”

Then he went dancing through the hotel, totally naked, but somehow always managing to keep something between his meat and two veg and the cameras filming a promotional video for the hotel. Shame that.

In the NORAD control centre, Lieutenant Willis sits idly watching the Jeremy Kyle show. The topic – my father is evil and wants to take over the world.

“And on today’s show we have SCUM whose SCUM fathers want to take over the world. This is James Juvil. That black streak in his hair means he’s SCUM. SCUM, tell us about your father.”

The shortish blonde boy – who couldn’t have been more than twentyish – started,

“Well, my father is the head of an evil organization and he wants to take over the world.” The crowd booed.

“And where is this SCUM?”

“He’s frozen in a big drum kit orbiting the Earth.”

“Well you’re WRONG bitch, SIT DOWN!” Jeremy screamed.

“But I am sitting…” the boy began, only to be interrupted by Jeremy again.

“Bring in Doctor Harry SCUM Juvil!”

The crowd boos again as Doctor Juvil walks in wearing a bright yellow jumpsuit, a lopsided wig atop his head.

“Hello Jamey…” He began. “Daddy’s back.”

“How could you do this to me in a story posted on the internet?”

“They offered me cupcakes.”

“Alright SCUM, shut it!” Jeremy butted in. “You are SCUM! You want to take over the world! That makes you SCUM. Ladies and gentlemen, what does that make him?”

“SCUM!” The audience roared.

“Oi! No one talks to my dad that way!” James shouted, standing and shaking his fist at the audience.

“I said SIT DOWN, SCUM!” Jeremy screeched, pushing James back into the chair. Immediately, Doctor Juvil ran at Jeremy, his wig falling onto the floor as the two men bitch slapped.

“Uhm… Colonel… you should probably come see this…” Matt said.

We fast forward now to HMV headquarters in London, Doctor Juvil’s new lair. Around a table sit James, the young blonde Number Three, some random Greek-looking guy with a fez, and Doctor Juvil, who has replaced his wig with a gerbil. I guess it can be hard to replace wigs on demand, especially if they all shrunk because they got frozen.

“Doctor Juvil, while you were frozen, we acquired a small dog listening to a record, and used it to create an international business selling music. We have turnover in the billions.” Number Three, explained, slowly stripping off his shirt.

“Is it evil music?”

“Well… Some of it I suppose.”

“Excellent. Now, our next evil scheme…”

“Doctor Juvil, there is one more thing.” Number Three interrupted, standing and fingering his belt, the shirt falling to the floor behind him.

“Number Three… why are you stripping?”

“I felt rather hot, sir.”

“Ah. Okay, you were saying?”

“Yes sir. Also while you were frozen, we acquired a company that was conducting research into cloning. While there were a few flaws,” he continued, pulling the belt out and throwing it behind him, “we have managed to create a clone of you. He was intended to be exactly the same as you in every way, but one fifth the size.”

The trousers hit the floor, revealing a black thong, as a shadow appeared round the corner, and in walked a tall man with a dark blond wig.

“That’s him?” Doctor Juvil asked. “He’s a frickin’ mini-me but he’s taller than me? He doesn’t even look like me!”

“Hah! Failure!” James laughed as Number Three climbed onto the table, wrapping himself around the pole in the centre.

“As I said, there were some flaws in the process…”

“I shall call him… Charlie-Me.” Juvil pronounced. “Now, Number Three, about that evil… why are you rubbing your thong in my face?”

“It’s good practice, sir. Since you don’t pay me much I have to have a second job.”

“Oh. Right. If I pay you more will you leave my face alone?”

“Of course sir. Just put it…”

“What, in..?”

A nod. Grumbling, Doctor Juvil took his wallet out of a pocket on the bright yellow jumpsuit and pulled out a fiver, gingerly pulling on the front of the thong and putting it behind it. Number Three coughed.

“Okay, okay.” He pulled on the thong again and pushed the whole wallet down inside it.

“Thankyou,” Number Three grinned, placing a huge kiss on Doctor Juvil’s lips before sitting himself down on James’ lap.

“Riiiight. That was frickin’ weird. Number Three, our new evil plan. As we know, Dougie Powers was frozen in 1967, therefore if we go back in time using our ‘time machine’ to… say… 1969, we can take over the world while he’s frozen.”

“If you have a time machine, why can’t you just go back and kill Dougie while he’s a baby?” James demanded while groping Number Three’s bulging thong.

“It doesn’t work that way Jamey, don’t question Daddy. Come, Charlie-Me, we’re going back in time! Number Three, bring out the ‘Time Machine’!” He looked over at James and Number Three who were now in liplock. “Oh honestly, do I have to do every-frickin’-thing around here myself?” He punched the destination into the time machine and pulled Charlie-Me into the portal.

He came out in exactly the same room, with Number Three and James kissing, just slightly younger. Number Three looked up.

“Uh, Doctor Juvil, this is 1996.”

“Oh. Sorry. Wrong year. Come Charlie-Me!”

“As you can see from these intelligence reports, Dougie, Doctor Juvil has travelled back to 1969 in order to take over the world. It’s up to you to stop him!”

“Don’t worry Fletch, once I get back to 1969 I’ll stop him. Uhm… how am I getting back to 1969?”

“Ah, well our R&D guys have been working on this for several years now. To that effect, we have retrofitted your Shaguar with time travel capability. Unfortunately, to do this, we had to unplug the electric bass, the beer fridge, and the blow-up Tom Delonge.”

“Ahh, come on Fletch, how am I meant to drive without some entertainment?”

“I should think, Dougie, that the mission should take precedence this one time.”

“So, Fletch, if I travel back to 1969, but I was frozen in 1967, how can I be unthawed in the 90s to battle Doctor Juvil? Oh bugger, my balls have gone twisted.”

“Don’t worry about that, just try to enjoy it.”

“Okay then Fletch, I’ll go back to 1969, defeat Doctor Juvil and be back in time for dinner. Don’t suppose you can order me some Chinese and crumpets?”

He jumped into the Shaguar and hit the accelerator, driving the car straight backwards into a bevy of startled technicians.

“Oops, sorry!”

Finally getting it the right direction, he sped off until he disappeared with a bang, a flaming set of tyre tracks. A scream of “Eighty eight miles per hour! Woohoo!” echoed through the cavernous hangar, and not for the first time, Fletch wondered whether he ought to insist that Dougie pass his driving test.

Doctor Juvil fell out of the time portal, shortly to be crushed by Charlie-Me. The gerbil wig made its bid for freedom and ran into an air duct in the corner, where it would no doubt meet a better fate than if it had continued living the life of Doctor Juvil’s wig. Maybe it would find another gerbil and mate, producing a slightly superior version of gerbil for the thirty years of extra evolution.

“Ah, Doctor Juvil, welcome to 1969. I got your memo from the future, and everything is set up as you requested. Welcome to your new secret lair.”

“Even the toilet facilities?”

“Yes sir, all toilet paper is made up of copies of The Daily Mail.”

“Excellent Number Three, and may I say you look exceptionally… Why do you look older in 1969 than in 1999?”

“Since the acquisition of the time machine I have used it to obtain cosmetic products from the future. Would you like a sample?”

“No, thankyou Number Three, I think I can do without. My beauty is natural. Now, let me tell you about our latest evil scheme. We are going to use a rocket to travel to our moon base where we have installed a giant ‘laser’ which we will use to hold the world to ransom.”

“Sir… We did receive your memo, your plan is already under way, though there has been a slight… problem. Dougie Powers has been spotted alive in London. Unfrozen. I have already dispatched assassins to dispose of him.”

“Then nothing can stop me. Come Number Three, laugh with me. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

“Bwe-he-he-he-he.”

“Number Three… please… never laugh again.”

Cast, in order of appearance: